Scientists Find No Evidence of Illegal Alien Life in 100,000 Bath House members...

http://www.morningledger.com/scientists-find-no-evidence-of-alien-life-in-100000-galaxies/139375/

Just returned from his extensive nationwide study of poofter bath houses, Dr. Lefty of the Lesbian Propulsion Laboratory reports conclusive evidence that undocumented homos are being denied entry to traditional gay recreation facilities...In his report, Dr. Lefty apologizes for the circuitous route through which he traveled, but as always he attempts to avoid jurisdictions where he may still be named on any active warrants...

Even so, states the scientist, analysis of his data shows a startling lack of nonnative names on poofter and lesbian bath house membership rolls, while the list of service personnel in these businesses has a more international flavor...As examples, he cites the Hobby Airport locality of his own research facility, where clients' names are distinctly upper-class American, while lower-echelon workers answer to names more common overseas...

To illustrate his point, lesbian powder room attendant Latrina is a political refugee from the bearded lesbian dictator of the island-nation of Barmaidia...Dr. Lefty said he at first couldn't decipher her turndowns of his requests for a date in her native language, but the slaps in his face are understood worldwide...

He lists Armenia as well represented in the worker ranks with doorman Big "Tiny" Balsac, and massage table operator Tesla D...Dr. Lefty further explained that Tesla D's last name cannot be pronounced by western tongues, and yet her own tongue has earned her unprecedented tips from her lesbian clientele, although she cannot offer proof of her residency being legal...

Valet parking garage attendant, Speedo Hardhatter, who was deported from his South American country of Uragay for attempting to import Brazilian wax jobs for poofters without paying the customs duties, also cannot offer proper documentation when asked...Speedo is suspected of conducting his wax business now in the back seats of autos left in his care by poofters as they frolic in gay abandon in the bath house...

However, Dr. Lefty in his guise as a towel boy, reports that homo bath house clients do not speak with an accent when inquiring what happened to their wallets and watches in the locker rooms where he was left in charge...He also claims that his demands for an investigation by the Obama administration into the obvious racial imbalances are not an attempt to divert investigators away from charges against him for locker pilferage...

Pictured below, Vice President Joe Biden accepts the duty of chairman of the Senate Bath House Racial Unification Committee in the waning days of the Obama administration...

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Debunking the Myth of the Job-Stealing Immigrant...

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/03/29/magazine/debunking-the-myth-of-the-job-stealing-immigrant.html?_r=0

Speaking from his office on the third barstool of Tony's Topless Paradise in the Hobby Airport Bath House District, newly arrived immigrant, Yugo Leftanescu, says he is one immigrant who is creating jobs, not stealing them...Having established his own oddsmaking and off-track betting business soon after arrival, Yugo is already advertising for help in his collections department...

Thanks to the unlucky guesses of some of the local towel boys, his accounts receivable ledger has been growing faster than his ability to locate some of his more senior accounts...Yugo puts more value in brawn than brains in recruiting a collector, saying, "If he wears a size 52 t-shirt and a number 3 hat, that's the man I want"...

"Can't count past ten with your shoes on?...No problem, just bring me everything in the client's pockets," instructed Yugo to his newest hire, Big "Tiny" Balsac, an immigrant from Armenia himself, better known as Head Doorman at the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium...Asked about his East European job experiences, Yugo said he was a shoe salesman in the old country, "Give me a couple of buckets of wet cement, and I can fit anybody with shoes in minutes, no complaints ever"...

Leftanescu emphasized that Balsac's hiring was probably a temporary one, although he could expect more assignments if his work proved to meet his high standards...He explained that he was expecting the arrival from Europe of his half-Italian cousin, Carmine "The Hat" Caponescu, who left the old country hurriedly just ahead of a deportation order...

Leftanescu added that his cousin was well versed in techniques for debt collection, although his methods were sometimes frowned upon by his Sicilian Mafia bosses as "too brutal"...They considered it bad for repeat business when clients disappeared near a local Alpo cannery after paying their debts in full...

Sending Balsac on his way with a list of clients, Yugo announced he would be in the men's room if he got any calls...Noticing the white wedding dress Yugo was wearing, visiting building inspector FredK, who is on loan from Apache Junction to check code compliance on adult-oriented businesses snickered, "Yeah I'll bet"...

Fred immediately found himself being dragged toward the men's room in the hairy fist of Yugo who said, "I accept your bet"...Returning shortly, Fred was grateful he hadn't spent the lunch money his wife had given him, and was able to pay his gambling debt to Yugo without being added to "the list"...

Towel boy Lefty, who had already fallen prey to this same bet, chose this moment to slip out the side door of the darkened bar, knowing he was probably on the list of clients being sought by Balsac...Shown below are the boots worn for a fishing trip by one of Yugo's last clients as a shoe salesman...

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Men who rammed HABH&PE gate were dressed as women...

http://www.wtsp.com/story/news/2015/03/31/nsa-gate-ramming-cross-dressers/70710014/

The bizarre incident from yesterday in which two men rammed a closed gate at the exclusive Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium has begun to unfold as a case of tardiness rather than terrorism...The unidentified men, who listed their employment as towel boy and men's room attendant, said they were unavoidably detained while having the company handi-van serviced, and were trying not to be late for work...

The towel boy said he was given instructions to take the van, which he said is used to transport handicapped poofter clients to and from the bath house, for a tire rotation and oil change...Leaving it at Jiffy Lube, they decided to save time by having lunch at the nearby Taco Bell for the two-for-one burrito special...

Before returning for the van, they stopped in a nearby Spec's Liquor Store to use the restroom, and became lost in the Hamm's beer aisle where a factory representative with a group of college cheerleaders was offering demonstrations...Three hours later they found their way out of the store, and proceeded to return to work, but inadvertently forgot to pay for the Jiffy Lube service...

Jiffy Lube reported the van stolen and a Hobby Airport Police patrol unit began pursuit...The towel boy, seeing the flashing lights and not being able to remember whether his probation officer visits were up to date, decided to just get back to the bath house as soon as possible...

He later told police he was unfamiliar with the handicap controls on the van and couldn't find the brake lever, causing him to ram the locked security gate...However, he could not immediately explain how that was possible since the van had standard driver controls, and the handicap provisions were for passengers only...

The men's room attendant was unable to answer questions saying he was disoriented from exhaust fumes from the van and also from the towel boy driver...A breathalyzer test was inconclusive as the driver's breath bent the needle on the test instrument...

When asked whether the towel boy had permission to drive the van, the bath house Chief of Security, Big "Tiny" Balsac, said the company does not own a van, but one had been reported missing from the church parking lot across the street...Local oddsmaker Yugo Leftanescu is giving 3 to 1 odds that suspect Lefty won't get out of this one with just a ticket, but so far there have been no takers...

Neither man was able to explain why they were wearing cheerleader skirts and training bras...Shown below, the men's room attendant practices posing for a mug shot, while the towel boy suspect slurs answers to the investigator's questions...

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Total eclipse provides a spectacular celestial show...

http://www.smh.com.au/world/total-solar-eclipse-provides-a-spectacular-celestial-show-20150320-1m4cra.html

A rare sight presented itself for astral watchers today as the total eclipse of a lesbian moon was captured by the camera in South Houston...The event occurred as two everyday incidents happened simultaneously...

Shortly after lunch, the Chief of Security for the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium, Big "Tiny" Balsac, was returning from his daily exercise period in which he walks across the street to Spec's Liquor Store for another six-pack of Hamm's beer...At this moment, lesbian powder room attendant Latrina was backing out the door to avoid the usual unwanted advances of towel boy Lefty...

The two distracted employees collided, and for a brief moment Latrina's perfectly shaped moon was totally engulfed by the protruding belly of Mr. Balsac...In the same way that two magnets will resist contact with each other, the two instantly repelled each other in mutual shock at the brief union...

Mr. Balsac, who ordinarily avoids all female contact due to his unfavorable past experiences, returned to Spec's for extra supplies to get through the afternoon...Latrina was last seen in the arms of certified grief counselor, Mazola McLeglock, who will attempt to talk her through the traumatic experience in a private therapy room...

The moment of collision was captured by an alert news photographer and is pictured below for our readers...

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Obama pees off in Hawaii with bath house leader...

http://www.washingtonpost.com/national/obama-tees-off-in-hawaii-with-malaysian-leader/2014/12/24/eff1ad90-8bb9-11e4-ace9-47de1af4c3eb_story.html

In a show of solidarity with a mainstay of his voter base, President Obama today pee'ed off with security executive Big "Tiny" Balsac of the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium...The occasion was the grand re-opening of the men's room in which senior men's room attendant RHM showed off the new industrial grade exhaust fans installed during the rebuilding in compliance with new poofter bath house regulations...

Following the disastrous explosion last year when a historic poofter establishment was almost lost entirely, the Obama administration pushed through the Larry Craig Men's Room Safety Act named for a former senator who has become a tireless crusader for gay men's room security measures...RHM displayed the blowout preventers in each stall which will counter even the gaseous emissions caused by the bean burrito diets favored by the local towel boys...

Head Towel Boy Lefty has personally tested each stall while lighting up his customary after-lunch joint during the mandatory Federal Lavatory Inspector's visits, and after collection of all standard lab samples and bribes, the inspector put his Stamp of Compliance on each stall door...Zipping up after his brief tour, and getting his briefs pressed in the bath house laundry, President Obama promised many more unannounced visits in the future, while Security Chief Balsac assured him his customary seat will be reserved in the poofter hot tub room...

The President also invited Balsac to tour the newly renovated, taxpayer funded oval hot tub (shown below) installed in the Bill Clinton Executive Washroom on his next visit to the White House...

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Police arrest man over bath tipper truck crash...

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2956738/Police-arrest-two-men-suspicion-manslaughter-gross-negligence-Bath-truck-crash.html

Investigation continues in the case of an overturned bath truck brought on by a melee between a mobile towel boy and a travelling hot tub client...The incident began inside an experimental mobile bath house operated by RHM, Intl. which is conducting trial runs servicing an upscale poofter clientele who wish to frolic in a hot tub between their hotels and airports...

The cause of the argument leading to the accident centers on the value of a tip offered to his towel boy by international traveler, Sir Neville Clive Flamingwell, for services rendered in the roving hot tub...The towel boy, later identified as former Rear Commodore Leftchester, disgraced one-time member of the mounted Royal Horse Marines now supplementing his retirement stipend with part-time bath house employment, told Sir Neville his offer of a 10 sucat bill as a tip was unacceptable because he couldn't make the required change for the unusual currency due to lack of an up to date exchange rate chart...

The enraged Sir Neville then accused Leftchester (who prefers the nickname "Leftie") of picking his pocket while he was nude in the hot tub leaving him with only the foreign currency from his prior trip through war-torn Kablamistan...The ensuing melee caused foreign exchange student driver, Big "Tiny" Balsac, to lose control of the van which overturned in front of a gay arts theater where the Royal Poofter Skin Flute Band was performing a rendition of "God Save His Majesty, The Queen"...

In his own defense, Mr. Balsac said he is unfamiliar with driving on the left side of the road, being accustomed to battling other drivers for the center of the one-lane roads in his native Armenia...Due to the international complications arising from the incident, investigation has been turned over to Inspector Lefty of the traffic division of the gay crimes agency INTERPOOF, who vows a just decision after a thorough inspection of all local lesbian nudie bars, and collection of all available evidence and bribes...

Seen below is some of the evidence stored in a secure location for further analysis by Inspector Lefty's crack CSI team...

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Bath House averts shutdown, passes spending bill: 219 'yeth' to 206 'no way'...

http://www.cnbc.com/id/102260698

In a last minute vote switch, the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium narrowly averted a shutdown which might have affected the entire South Houston bath house district...The neighboring bath houses, massage parlors, tanning salons and other houses of horizontal refreshment carefully watched the proceedings of the Bath House Appropriations Committee as they wrangled over details of the budget...

The main objections were raised over the daily split of the various tip jars used in department operations...Bath house senior officials wanted an independent daily audit of the tip jars before the contents were divided among the participants...Towel boy representative Lefty vehemently objected to this, repeatedly yelling, "Whats'a matter?...You don't trust me?"...

Senior men's room attendant RHM stated for the record he had no objection to an audit, but was shouted down by his detractors who say his independent wealth overshadows the tip jar proceeds anyway...RHM's successful men's lingerie boutique located in leased space inside the men's room comes up for lease negotiations next year in which he is expected to downplay his profits in an effort to maintain current rent levels...

Hot Tub Safety Committee Chairman, Big "Tiny" Balsac, argued for increased spending on springboard suspension upgrades due to the massively elevated average weight of poofters using the facilities...Balsac said, "Last year I could squeeze six of these fat homos into one hot tub, and now it's all I can do to shoehorn four of them in the same tub"...

Bath house security guard and midget lesbian, Deputy Dumpy Bunny, demanded in her shrill, annoying voice that the budget provide for increased repair materials for the holes which mysteriously appear from the towel boys' locker room into the nude lesbian yoga classroom...Yoga instructor Mazola McLeglock suggested a nude oil wrestling competition to settle the committee differences, but was voted down after being seconded by Lefty...

At the final vote, towel boy representative Lefty, who is known to be a switch-hitter anyway, switched his vote on a promise of free lunch for committee members, allowing the budget measure to pass...Shown below, budget committee members take their mandatory outdoor after-lunch ventilation break to avoid indoor air quality deterioration after two-for-one burrito hour at Taco Bell...

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Lesbians Jam Each Other's Sonar While Date Hunting...

http://www.ndtv.com/article/offbeat/acoustic-warfare-bats-jam-each-other-s-sonar-while-bug-hunting-617860

Stunning new evidence has been presented in the relentless quest for new ways to get past the natural defense barriers put up by lesbians upon the approach of lust-minded towel boys and other lower life forms...Dr. Lefty of the Lesbian Propulsion Laboratory has concluded his latest observation of the mating/dating rituals of rugmunchers in their natural habitat of the all-female bath house...

Using a cleverly concealed periscope, newly constructed at great expense by Dr. Lefty's eighth grade nephew and science student Stiffy in exchange for a peek at the video notes accumulated in Dr. Lefty's research, he was able to draw new conclusions after his study...It was previously thought that lesbians had a method for diverting each other's attention in the presence of a particularly attractive newcomer to the covey, and this newest research confirms it...

From behind the cover of a potted cannabis plant in the hydroponic garden area of a popular Braniff Street lesbian spa, Dr. Lefty watched as a perfectly formed new arrival joined the nude yoga class of instructor Mazola McLeglock, and was immediately swarmed by the many nude, but seriously overweight attendees who vied for her attention...Previously Dr. Lefty had noticed the lesbians' curious ritual of placing their own tongues in the ears of their competitors, and with the aid of his powerful new periscope, he determined the reason...

Each lesbian was attempting to "jam the sonar" of their rivals by burying a wad of Dubble Bubble gum in the ears of the others...Dr. Lefty's observations were halted at this point as he attempted to adjust the prototype periscope's mirrors (obtained by Stiffy from his mom's makeup kit), when he felt a blinding pain and lost consciousness...

When Dr. Lefty regained his composure, he found himself inexplicably nude, handcuffed to a Montrose area fireplug with the word "pervert" written in lipstick on his forehead...The investigation into the attack is ongoing by the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium's chief of security, Big "Tiny" Balsac, who reports the only new evidence is a broken Louisville slugger found in the locker of newly hired perimeter guard, midget lesbian Deputy Dumpy Bunny of the Hobby Airport Poofter Police...

Shown below is one of Stiffy's first attempts at periscope construction installed in his sister's bathroom, said to be part of a science project for school...

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Cute chick rover: A new way to spy on shy lesbians...

http://www.godanriver.com/news/national/wire/cute-chick-rover-a-new-way-to-spy-on-shy/article_80779fe7-7027-55fd-9446-a112b2d13d8f.html

The latest adventure undertaken by the Institute for Advanced Lesbian Studies has been enhanced by the addition of a prototype of the new "cute chick rover" from the Lesbian Propulsion Laboratory...The device, which resembles a toy recently released for Christmas sales, has no connection with a recent shoplifting reported at the South Houston Toys 'R' Us according to the laboratory's spokesman, Dr. RHM...

The Institute's Professor Lefty is said to be delighted by the contribution, and says he expects to uncover previously unseen lesbian assets...Professor Lefty explained, "Our previous efforts into this habitat involved a clandestine peephole secretly drilled into a locker room wall, but the lesbians became aware of our observation resulting in black eyes for a few of us researchers"...The professor said the "rover" will be outfitted as a mobile soap dispenser robot, and is expected to be able to operate without detection in lesbian hot tub and massage rooms...

Professor Lefty said the real test will come as he attempts to observe the nude yoga classes in the closely guarded nudist lesbian complex of the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium...He said although the access from the male poofter side of the bath house is guarded by the easily bribed security official, Big "Tiny" Balsac, his previous attempts at observation were quickly halted by the sharp-eyed midget lesbian, Deputy Dumpy Bunny of the Hobby Airport Poofter Police...

According to Professor Lefty, the deputy quickly sounded the alarm in her squeaky, annoying voice which alerted yoga instructor and nude lesbian oil wrestling champion, Mazola McLeglock, who threatened the observation team with loss of body parts as well as recording equipment...Professor Lefty says this time his observation will be done in the safety of his own headquarters in a converted shipping container behind a nearby Braniff Street mansion via the internet and his laptop computer...

Shown here is a video of the test trials of a submersible version of the "cute chick rover" being considered for research into lesbian hot tub activities...

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North Korean Leader Was Sidelined by Sex Change Surgery, South Houston Clinic Says...

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/10/29/world/asia/north-korea-kim-jong-un-foot-surgery.html?_r=0

A surprise announcement today ended weeks of speculation over the whereabouts of Kim Jong-un, leader of North Korea...Dr. Tchytz, of the Braniff Street Gender Reassignment Clinic & Bait Shop, said in a press conference that Kim (who now prefers to be called "Kimmie") is recovering successfully, and undergoing therapy to be able to walk in high heels...

Even "Kimmie's" close friend and advisor, towel boy Lef Ti of the Beijing People's Poofter Collective, was stunned by the announcement...Lef Ti is quoted as saying, "I know fat sissy boy like to wear dress, and always be on bottom, but I not expect this"...

"Kimmie" will make her/his/its debut tonight at a coming out party being held in the Grand Ball Room of the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium...Doorman Big "Tiny" Balsac joked, "I don't know if we can allow Kim in the "ball" room again since he, I mean she, doesn't have them anymore, but we'll make an exception in the interest of international peace"...

Dr. Tchytz assured all followers that the surgery went according to plan, and advance tickets to the coming out party were available from clerk Lefty in the bait shop side of the clinic...Lefty added that he just got in a very small quantity of rare North Korean worm and stinkbait for those late-season sportsmen going after sand sharks...

"Kimmie's" date tonight is said to be long time companion, former NBA star Dennis Rodman who is pictured below in formal wear, and said to be hoping for North Korea to lift restrictions on same-sex marriages...

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Man arrested after jumping bath house fence, causing leakdown...

http://www.reuters.com/article/2014/10/23/us-usa-whitehouse-lockdown-idUSKCN0IB2SO20141023

In another embarrassing blow to bath house Chief of Security, Big "Tiny" Balsac, another fence jumper has made the news...In a hastily called press conference, Mr. Balsac admitted, "We can't possibly cover every inch of the perimeter barrier when some horny towel boy decides he wants a peak at the lesbos on his lunch break"...

He referred to the privacy fence topped with concertina wire and lined with mine emplacements which separates the lesbians from the poofters at the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium...Balsac explained, "I thought the mines were a good deterrent until some enterprising towel boy copied the emplacement map and sold copies to all the laundry personnel"...

The towel boy he mentioned, whose name was not released but is thought to be long-time employee Lefty, is only one of many who enjoys watching the nudist lesbian yoga classes during his frequent breaks...In this instance, a sharp-eyed part-time midget security guard spotted an eyeball peeping through a freshly drilled hole in the lesbian shower room, and was able to reach up and poke the offender with her PR-24 baton, thereby marking him for identification...

Mr. Balsac praised the quick action by newly hired Deputy Dumpy Bunny on assignment to the Hobby Airport Poofter Police, saying apprehension of the culprit should be quick work now...Balsac explained that although the offender lost his jockey shorts on the concertina wire topping the fence, the resulting leak-down left a clear trail back to the towel boys' locker room...

He further stated that although his highly trained K9 team balked at the idea of tracking the suspect by smell (pictured below), he should be able to easily spot the suspect by the fresh black eye administered by the midget lesbian deputy...Balsac added, "It may be considered torture in some places, but I can get a confession from him in less than a minute if the deputy questions him in that whiny, annoying voice of hers"...

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Expecting More from Sino-US Poofter Exchange...

http://english.cri.cn/12394/2014/10/02/2361s846352.htm

With the pending cultural exchange between US and Chinese bath houses coming soon, UN Ambassador for Poofter Relations Lefty sees great advantages in learning from each other...He explains, "The Chinese have worldwide experience in laundry operations, and we can expect to learn much from them about towel folding, but history tells us their cheap homos are clueless about tipping"...

Ambassador Lefty says the plan is to bring Chinese towel boys and laundry men to established US bath houses, such as the prestigious Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium, while sending veteran men's room attendants and lesbian hot tub assistants to their government-run steamrooms such as the Beijing People's Poofter Collective to advance educational understanding between the nations...The ambassador says the Chinese have chosen internationally known towel boy, Lef Ti, to lead their delegation, while the US poofters will send senior men's room attendant RHM, and lesbian nude oil-wrestling champion Mazola McLeglock to head the American homo contingent...

The ambassador added, "I'm sure our towel boys can learn plenty about locker room pilferage from Lef Ti, since he manages to live a flamboyant lifestyle on his 780 Yuan a month allowance, which amounts to enough to buy a stale Chinese chili burrito...And the Chinese can benefit from RHM's vast knowledge of adding that personal touch to the poofters' men's room needs to get that extra bit of loose change in their tip jars"...

The Ambassador also revealed that he will be accompanying Ms. McLeglock as she tries to teach the Chinese lesbians new techniques in making their skin glisten with oil in their nude yoga classes...Ambassador Lefty added, "I'll be there strictly as an observer, although I may manage to get a little hands-on experience for myself; anything to improve international relations"...

US Chief of Bath House Security, Big "Tiny" Balsac, is scheduled to lead a protection detail for the delegation if long-range monitoring of his court-ordered ankle monitor can be worked out between the two governments...Midget lesbian Deputy Dumpy Bunny, on assignment to the Hobby Airport Poofter Police, has volunteered to be handcuffed to Mr. Balsac for the duration of the visit to assure his behavior...

Shown below is one of the innovative tip jars expected to be shown by RHM to Chinese bath house employees eager to learn US techniques...

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Tesla D Is Insane...

http://cleantechnica.com/2014/10/10/tesla-d-insane/

The results of a court-ordered psychiatric examination are in for newly arrived Armenian lesbian masseuse, Tesla D...Tesla's last name cannot be pronounced by Western tongues without developing a severe, permanent stutter, thus she is known by her first name and her room designation where she is employed by the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium...

A mental exam was ordered with noted psychiatrist/proctologist Dr. Tchytz (who is said to cure crazy at both ends) when Tesla began to exhibit signs of emotional imbalance...The first occurrence was when she commented on how handsome and virile-looking a towel boy named Lefty was...

It was first thought that she merely had poor taste in men, but then she commented on how sexy and alluring she found the squeaky, annoying voice of midget, lesbian security guard, Deputy Dumpy Bunny...On hearing this, bath house management ordered a complete psychiatric examination...

In a press release from Chief of Security Big "Tiny" Balsac it was said, "We figured anyone who thinks those two have any appeal at all, has got to be a few bricks short of a load...She's got a million dollar rack, but a 29 cent brain, and Dr. Tchytz's exam confirms it"...

Dr. Tchytz reports that Tesla's dementia is not likely to turn violent as long as she is kept medicated with a strong sedative such as Le Voyager Ⓡ Cabbage Cider or Pinecone Wine, both of which Dr. Tchytz stocks as an exclusive distributor in his Braniff Street Gender Reassignment Clinic & Bait Shop...Towel boy lefty has volunteered to administer the recommended dosage for her to prevent over-medication...

Bath house senior management was pleased with the results, as Tesla has proved to be a valuable employee, especially since she has not completely mastered the US/Armenian currency exchange rate, and accepts her pay in post-dated IOU's...Lefty also helps her make sure her tip jar (shown below) doesn't become over-stuffed which he tells her would be a violation of OSHA safety rules...

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Bath house customers get hacked...

http://money.cnn.com/2014/10/10/news/companies/dairy-queen-malware/

Showing that even gay bath houses are not immune to internet hackers, the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium reports today that its membership records were hacked by an anonymous web hacker...Not all clients were victims in this attack, as it seems only lipstick lesbians who would rate an 8.5 or better on the Playboy Scale were vulnerable...

The bath house Chief of Security, Big "Tiny" Balsac, said in a press release that all such crimes are taken seriously by management, and they have retained the services of a specialist...Mr. Balsac then introduced midget lesbian Deputy Dumpy Bunny, formerly of Montgomery County Precinct 0 and now permanently assigned to the Hobby Airport Poofter Police...

Deputy Bunny stated in her annoying voice that no effort will be spared in her investigation, and she has already identified a "person of interest," a towel boy who has been observed spying on the lesbian shower rooms through a hidden peephole...The diminutive deputy said a much lower peephole has been installed so she can look from the other side and gather evidence from the poofter showers...

When the deputy was asked whether this will be an undercover assignment, she stripped off her uniform revealing that she only wore a strap-on "entertainment device" in order to have a place to conceal her badge...Asked where she intended to carry her weapon, Mr. Balsac was heard to mutter, "She is a weapon"...

Pressed for more details on what data was stolen from the victims, Mr. Balsac said the only info lost seemed to concern phone numbers and addresses, plus lists of lesbo porn sites visited by the lesbian clientele...The determined deputy vowed to bring the culprit to justice if she had to strip search every lipstick lesbo in South Houston...

A towel boy lurking nearby, known only as "Lefty," volunteered his time in that effort, but was declined by the switch-hitting deputy, saying in her squeaky voice, "I'll interview this one separately"...Lefty also could not immediately explain the data recorder found in his tip jar (pictured below)...

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Update: HABH&PE to pay $105 to settle hot tub cramming charges...

http://www.computerworld.com/article/2692388/att-to-pay-105m-to-settle-mobile-phone-cramming-charges.html

In a stunning admission of guilt, the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium's board of directors has agreed to pay the sum of $105.00 to the group of poofter hot tub clients who were all crammed into one hot tub at a time...The complaining group chose a Native American participant known as Homo the Brave as spokesman, "We all pushed in tub together by mean towel boy...No can even move pecker"...

The shift steward for the towel boys union, named Lefty, was chosen to investigate the incident...Says Lefty, "The fat cat bosses here give us a quota to meet whether the equipment can take it or not"...

Lefty referred to the ongoing maintenance program in which the bottoms of each hot tub are scoured by a towel boy for any loose change that may have fallen out of the clients' thongs after each group of revelers has left...The change is then deposited in the towel boys' tip jar until proper ownership can be determined"...

Lefty explained that when this happens, and the number of available hot tubs is limited, the quota must still be met..."We pack these fat homos in like sardines if we have to...I'd rather work with the lesbians than these sweaty poofters, but I guess a job is a job"...

The bath house doorman, Big "Tiny" Balsac, said on a promise of anonymity, "I hear management is going to make the payment to the poofters out of the towel boys' tip jar, but don't tell Lefty...He'll just double up on the locker pilferage to get it back"...

Pictured below in a security camera photo is an overcrowded hot tub in the unisex area...

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Lefty considering not saying 'Foreskins' in broadcasts...

http://www.newsday.com/sports/football/phil-simms-considers-not-using-redskins-on-tv-1.9088574

Long time play-by-play announcer for the Hobby Airport Bath House Sports League, Lefty,  has said he is reluctant to use the word "foreskins" when calling the Friday night nude lesbian team action...Lefty has become sensitive to the ethnic concerns of a group of native American poofters led by Homo the Brave of the Hackasaw Tribe (so named because they'll cut anything)...

Noting the large deposits left in the locker room tip jar for towel boys by Indian clients, Lefty has vowed not to tell his usual crude jokes about Indian penises as long as the tips hold out...Color commentator, RHM, states he has seen no corresponding increase in tips for men's room attendants, and thus will continue to "call 'em as he sees 'em" in the games...

In the meantime, off-track betting on the games will continue to be regulated by head of security, Big "Tiny" Balsac, and retired lesbian nude oil wrestler, Mazola McLeglock...

Pictured below, color commentator RHM prepares to introduce two lesbo competitors...

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Mysterious Odor Prompts Evacuation Of 100 Homos In South Houston...

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/07/14/mysterious-odor-pennsylvania_n_5583253.html

Officials say they are hours, perhaps days away from sounding the all-clear signal as a mysterious, malingering odor has permeated the Hobby Airport area, forcing the evacuation of at least a hundred homos from the popular bath house district...First reports indicate the malodorous aroma first surfaced as a bath house towel boy returned from his scheduled lunch break...

As the towel boy (identified only as "Lefty" to protect his identity) clocked in from lunch at the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium, doorman Big "Tiny" Balsac reported feeling ill and asked to be seen by the house physician, Dr. Tchytz...As the incident seemed to center on the hot tub locker room, Dr. Tchytz ordered an immediate quarantine, effectively trapping several bathers in the same room with Lefty and senior men's room attendant, RHM...

Dr. Tchytz also ordered the evacuation of the entire neighborhood in order to prevent a bigger disaster...However, an elderly, eccentric retired civil engineer refused to leave until he had finished downloading a skidloader porn video from the Dave Grubb tractor pornography website...He then became enraged when a KHOU mobile news unit erected its broadcast antenna between his Braniff Street mansion and the home of his neighbor, Ted, somehow blocking his wifi reception...

At this time, Hobby Airport SWAT units have the home surrounded and are trying to negotiate a peaceful settlement through his daughter who insists the VA clinic must have switched his prescriptions again...

As of this writing, the famed legal team of Mr. C.N. Spitt, Esq. and the Cascade Kitchen Counselor are preparing a class action lawsuit against the city on behalf of the displaced poofters, most of whom stated they couldn't tell a difference between the bath house steam room and the regular Houston humidity outdoors...

Houston's lesbo Mayor Parker, seeking to lessen the political damage, ordered the Obama wind turbines waiting for shipment at the ship channel, to immediately begin pumping the relatively better air from Houston's Turning Basin and the Pasadena chemical plants to displace the fouler air emanating from the bath house locker room...She will also permit the gay frolickers who were forced outdoors to remain nude until the situation is resolved...

Shown below, ship channel wind turbines churn 24 hours per day to freshen the Hobby Airport area atmosphere...

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Source: Possible 'man testicles' found in Hobby Airport shoutings...

http://www.cnn.com/2014/06/09/justice/las-vegas-shooting/

The bizarre incident which occurred at the popular Braniff Street attraction, the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium, allegedly began when angry towel boy, Lefty, began shouting and cursing poofters who departed the locker room without leaving anything in the tip jar...

Lefty explained his displeasure, "This is the thanks I get for helping these fat homos get their equipment dried off when they can't reach it themselves...Some of them even think the tip jar is a cuspidor for their Red Man chew"...

One of the bath house's clients spoke anonymously, "We just don't have anything left for tips because of the locker room pilferage that goes on while we're in the hot tubs and massage rooms...Security chief, Big 'Tiny' Balsac, told me he can't be everywhere at once, but the only place I ever see him is at the peephole into the nude lesbian yoga class"...

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Lefty cleared of theft suspicion...

http://www.albanyherald.com/news/2014/apr/23/suspect-charged-in-theft-of-tip-jar-from-albany/

Investigators from INTERPOOF have cleared Lefty of any charges pending in the baffling tip jar theft which occurred at the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium...As in all cases involving petty theft, pickpocketing and crossdressing, a roundup of the usual suspects put Lefty in the front row seat...

Under questioning Lefty revealed evidence that he could not have committed the crime because it occurred at the same time he was being interviewed by Hobby Airport Police detectives in conjunction with an unrelated case...That case involved a valuable antique hairpiece that was reported missing by an elderly, retired CIA pilot residing in the Hobby Airport area...

As is his customary habit, the retiree had washed his toupee in a nearby plywood retention pond installed on his property as part of a court order to settle a lawsuit with the city of Houston involving a dispute over soil percolation testing...The elderly retiree then hung the toupee on his clothesline near Lefty's rented shipping container home to dry, and later reported it missing...

Detectives questioned Lefty since they recalled he was forced to wear a merkin as a result of a severe crotch cricket infestation which required electrolysis hair removal of his pubic area...A detective recalled seeing the merkin being repaired by a tailor in RHM's male lingerie shop while he was conducting the annual licensing inspection of the business...

Records produced by RHM indicated the merkin was being relined and fumigated in addition to having an area of worn hair replaced...Lefty indicated he had only "borrowed" the antique hairpiece to go to work until his own merkin was returned...When asked to identify his property, the retiree said his toupee didn't have the conspicuous hole in the center, or the wad of duct tape on the back which Lefty used to fasten it to his crotch...

Charges of felony wigsnatching were subsequently dropped when the elderly recluse revealed that the loss was covered by insurance provided by the Braniff Street homeowner's association...He expressed regret over losing the heirloom which had been the prototype produced by the Warvelle Hairweaving Corporation established by his grandfather, but said that after exposure to Lefty's pubic area, its value had diminished to nothing...

Lefty's original merkin had been paid for by Parkercare provided to bath house employees by the mayor's office...Focus of the original tip jar theft has now been redirected to bath house doorman, Big "Tiny" Balsac, who is known to be experiencing short term financial difficulties following a dice game with towel boy Lefty...

Below RHM him/herself models the new "Willie Nelson" model from his premium celebrity line...

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Handcuffed towel boy defends delay in evacuating stinking South Houston bath house...

http://www.cnn.com/2014/04/18/world/asia/south-korea-ship-sinking/

Arrested and handcuffed on suspicion of abandoning his duty at a popular bath house, chief towel boy, Lefty, said he was making his usual locker inspection in the Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium when the alarm sounded in the men's room signaling an exhaust fan overload...Lefty contends the responsibility for evacuating the toilet areas should be placed on the men's room attendant, RHM, who was busy at the time insuring that each stall had a current supply of Spiderman comic books...

The emergency was believed to be caused by the traditional Easter luncheon of bean burritos which was inexplicably served in the indoor dining room instead of the outdoor nudist pavilion as required by local fire/rescue ordinances...The exhaust fans were not designed to handle the large volume of flatulence which resulted, and several poofters were treated for fart inhalation...

As the highest ranking (and rankest) official on the site, Lefty was being detained pending further investigation...Bath house chief of security, Big "Tiny" Balsac, was quoted as saying, "This guy's bound to be guilty of something anyway"...

Below Lefty is being read his rights...

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