The bizarre incident from yesterday in which two men rammed a closed gate at the exclusive Hobby Airport Bath House & Poofter Emporium has begun to unfold as a case of tardiness rather than terrorism...The unidentified men, who listed their employment as towel boy and men's room attendant, said they were unavoidably detained while having the company handi-van serviced, and were trying not to be late for work...
The towel boy said he was given instructions to take the van, which he said is used to transport handicapped poofter clients to and from the bath house, for a tire rotation and oil change...Leaving it at Jiffy Lube, they decided to save time by having lunch at the nearby Taco Bell for the two-for-one burrito special...
Before returning for the van, they stopped in a nearby Spec's Liquor Store to use the restroom, and became lost in the Hamm's beer aisle where a factory representative with a group of college cheerleaders was offering demonstrations...Three hours later they found their way out of the store, and proceeded to return to work, but inadvertently forgot to pay for the Jiffy Lube service...
Jiffy Lube reported the van stolen and a Hobby Airport Police patrol unit began pursuit...The towel boy, seeing the flashing lights and not being able to remember whether his probation officer visits were up to date, decided to just get back to the bath house as soon as possible...
He later told police he was unfamiliar with the handicap controls on the van and couldn't find the brake lever, causing him to ram the locked security gate...However, he could not immediately explain how that was possible since the van had standard driver controls, and the handicap provisions were for passengers only...
The men's room attendant was unable to answer questions saying he was disoriented from exhaust fumes from the van and also from the towel boy driver...A breathalyzer test was inconclusive as the driver's breath bent the needle on the test instrument...
When asked whether the towel boy had permission to drive the van, the bath house Chief of Security, Big "Tiny" Balsac, said the company does not own a van, but one had been reported missing from the church parking lot across the street...Local oddsmaker Yugo Leftanescu is giving 3 to 1 odds that suspect Lefty won't get out of this one with just a ticket, but so far there have been no takers...
Neither man was able to explain why they were wearing cheerleader skirts and training bras...Shown below, the men's room attendant practices posing for a mug shot, while the towel boy suspect slurs answers to the investigator's questions...
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