As expected, Dr. Lefty of the Lesbian Propulsion Laboratory has his own theories about the newly publicized affliction "Exploding Head Syndrome"...Dr. Lefty explains, "First, it's not just another phony disorder I dreamed up to suck more taxpayer funds down the drain, although I'm certainly not turning down the research grant"...
Described in the media as "sudden awakening from an imagined loud noise like a gunshot, or a large guitar string breaking," the syndrome is one Dr. Lefty claims to have experienced many times...He said he has lost count of the times he has awakened in the home of a girlfriend to the sound of her husband firing a load of buckshot as he escaped through the window...
He said it even happens in his dreams at times, whether he's with a girlfriend or not...The "guitar string" noise is also a familiar one as his favorite TV show growing up was "Quickdraw McGraw" as the hero sometimes assumed the identity of "El Kabong" smashing villains in the head with a guitar...
He recalled many times in his childhood when his Mom woke him from sleep by hitting him over the head with the guitar brought by his girlfriend from a lesbian punk rock band when she sneaked into his room at night...He further stated that overcoming these traumatic childhood episodes is what made him the man he is today...
If that statement is true, the district attorney may consider separate charges against his mother...In any case, Dr. Lefty assures the taxpaying public that he will use the grant wisely in researching the sleep patterns of as many exotic dancers as he can find without awakening them when leaving the room before they are paid...
Shown below is an artist's conception of one of Dr. Lefty's recurring nightmares...
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