Noted towel boy and sportsman Lefty joins his grieving family in mourning the untimely death of his cousin Squinty in the waters of the Grand Gayman Islands...A spokesman for the family said that Squinty died attempting to keep up with the phenomenal feats of his cousin Lefty...
Readers of this news service know that Lefty frequently sets new records as part of his training for the Lesbolympic Games...Last year Lefty achieved what seemed to be an unattainable record in the pre-trials for the freestyle muffdiving event...
Tired of always being in the shadow of his more well known cousin, Squinty booked passage for the Grand Gaymans, and began training in the warm waters...Not knowing that warmups were normally accomplished with the use of an inflatable "marital aid" device, Squinty engaged the services of vacationing professional clamdigger, Priscilla Pantload who brought her own snorkel...
In Ms. Pantload's inquest testimony, she stated, "He had only been down there not more than five minutes, when he suddenly stopped moving before I even got my cookie"...Ms. Pantload further testified that no lifeguard on the nude beach would attempt mouth-to-mouth resuscitation after being told where Squinty's mouth had been...
Delivering the eulogy for Squinty, Lefty said, "He died practicing the sport he loved, but I guess he didn't know I've learned to breathe through my ears...He shoulda consulted me before attempting such a dangerous maneuver"...
Squinty was a long time resident of the Hobby Airport area until a court relocated him to a Conroe halfway house on the recommendation of his parole board...Shown below is the sign hastily erected by local officials until beach cleanup crews finish their work...
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