South Houston businessman Swifty, who recently expanded his bail bonds and all-night repo service to include the rapidly growing field of payday loans, held a press conference on his return from Washington, DC...Swifty was summoned to Congress to offer testimony and bribes to lawmakers concerned that they might have overlooked a source of re-election fundraising...
Asked what advice he would give newcomers to the business, Swifty quickly replied, "Never loan money to a relative, especially my son, Lefty"...Swifty recounted the tale of loaning Lefty fifty dollars on the security of a title to a 2007 Mazda Miata, which turned out to actually be a 1976 AMC Pacer that had been reported stolen in three states...
Swifty also advised employing a competent debt collector, saying he had recently contracted with a newly arrived East European immigrant named Yugo Leftanescu, who was looking for extra income until his off-track betting enterprise was established...Mr. Leftanescu had already been acquainted with Lefty, and said he thought the debt was collectible, although it might be in installments...
Background investigation by Hobby Airport officials prior to granting Leftanescu's business license revealed his claim to be descended from Count Dragula...As historians know, Dragula was a legendary cross-dressing Transylvanian vampire who was known for sucking more than just blood...
Swifty seemed to think these inherited family traits might be valuable in a debt collector...Pictured below is a graphic artist's depiction of what Count Dragula may have looked like on a night time hunt for his/her next meal...
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