A retired Utah political analyst and former forum administrator has barricaded himself in a state-owned liquor store to protest the removal of Coors beer from the shelves...The elderly retiree became enraged when the alcohol content of the Coors was lowered to .02% making it eligible as a water substitute, but no longer qualifying as beer...
A local religious leader, Father Lefty of the Temple of Our Lady of Diminished Virginity, has offered himself as a hostage when he heard the retiree had entered the liquor store with seven of his wives and four of his lesbian fiancées...Father Lefty, in a courageous and selfless act, vowed to throw his body over the women in case of a SWAT invasion...
Father Lefty brought with him a sixpack of Hamm's with which to distract the elderly statesman, but had no explanation for the fishnet stockings and Johnson's Baby Oil found under his cassock...
Shown below, the retiree's personal vehicle was located in a nearby parking lot...
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