Poofter-Americans' ancestors 'spent 10,000 years in Ice Age bath house'...

http://www.scmp.com/news/world/article/1437484/native-americans-ancestors-spent-10000-years-ice-age-land-bridge

Professor Lefty of the Institute for Advanced Lesbian Studies has announced a breakthrough in research into the most baffling question in history: Why did Poofter-Americans lag so far behind in development compared to those in Europe and Asia?...

The answer may lie in the "land bridge" that once existed between Asia and the Americas...The professor's chief researcher, Dr. RHM, explains, "The land bridge which was formed in the Ice Age was actually a prehistoric bath house which was powered by undersea volcanoes...Poofters, being naturally lazy and pleasure-seeking, stopped here and built shower rooms and hot tubs"...

As their European and Asian brethren and their lesbian counterparts continually advanced their traditions in a scientific manner, Poofter-Americans halted their progress until the volcanic activity ceased after 10,000 years and they were forced to continue their journey eastward...Prof. Lefty explains that the majority of them settled in what is now San Francisco, but many of the more hearty homos migrated to the New York area while others stopped in what eventually became Hobby Airport...

The research team has now decided to split their efforts as Dr. RHM will return to the Hobby Airport area to further his knowledge in gay activities, while Prof. Lefty will continue toward the Polynesian Islands to observe lesbian traditions...The decision was further fueled by the discovery that several bounty hunters and process servers were awaiting Prof. Lefty on the west coast to discuss some pending legal entanglements...

Pictured below is an artist's conception of what the primitive bath house may have looked like...

Update bulletin: 

http://www.nbcnews.com/science/weird-science/giant-virus-resurrected-siberian-permafrost-after-30-000-years-n43546

Professor Lefty has advised that a "poofter virus," long thought extinct, has resurfaced at the site of the ancient ice age bath house being excavated in Siberia...The virus is said to raise the voice pitch of male poofters by two octaves and induce a lisp, as well as cause thoughts of flower arranging and ballet dancing...

Lesbians exposed to the deadly new strain develop deeper voices and grow hair on their breasts...Professor Lefty says he is one of the few males to develop an immunity, and suggests that all lesbians should be injected by him personally before symptoms begin...According to the professor, "The procedure is quick and painless, just a tiny prick and you're done"..

More Science & Technology articles...