In an effort to rescue his retirement funds, investor Lefty is scrambling to move his hard-earned cash (from beer can sales, pickpocketing and locker room pilferage) from the now-doomed rupee to the more stable currencies such as the ipee, yupee and hupee...Other investors are carefully observing his movements (at a safe distance) before committing their own funds...
Financial analyst Dan reports, "Per the stock market reports, American pants are down as the oils start to rally. Lefty put most of his assets in a hedge fund, but the hedge had stickers in it and scratched his bottom line. As you know, he Depends on his portfolio."
Update: Timely news for the home improvement investors...
Home Depot's earnings have risen 17% since management convinced Lefty to stop panhandling in their parking lot and try Lowes instead...Lefty reports the Mexican tamale vendor girls are friendlier also and most don't carry pepper spray...
Lefty is pictured below leaving the stock exchange after investing all on a sure thing...
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